We Are Not Fundamentally Selfish. We Just Built Systems that Forgot That.

The dominant story about human nature, at least in the West, runs something like this: people are fundamentally self-interested. Left to their own devices, they will prioritise themselves. Compassion and cooperation happen when individuals calculate that it is in their interest to cooperate, or when social pressure makes selfishness too costly. Generosity is the exception. […]

Chunking Up: The Technique That Links Your Sister’s Anger to Your Business Finances

There is a moment in certain kinds of inner work when two things connect that have absolutely no business being connected. A participant in a recent session came in carrying a year-long conflict with her sister: passive aggression, a major outburst, months of silence, and an upcoming family gathering she was already dreading. We spent […]

Forgiveness Is Not the Goal

The personal development world has a complicated relationship with forgiveness. It is held up, almost universally, as the destination — the resolution, the release, the thing you are trying to get to. Forgive, we are told, and you will be free. The work is the work of forgiving. Once you’ve forgiven, it’s done. I’ve worked […]

The Person Irritating You Most is Carrying a Message. It’s from You.

This morning I was about to skip yoga. Someone in my team had something that needed to be done. I could feel the familiar sequence beginning: she won’t get it done in time, I’ll step in and sort it, I’ll feel vaguely resentful about the fact that I stepped in, she’ll sense the resentment, nothing […]

The Danger of the “Messy Middle” in Toxic Relationships

There is a zone in every controlling dynamic that is the most dangerous — not because it is the most harmful, but because it is the hardest to name. It sits between the clean, empowering communication that characterizes healthy relating and the obviously toxic, abusive communication that everyone can recognize. It is the space where […]

When Sickness Is an Initiatory Process

There is a tradition in almost every wisdom culture on earth that recognizes illness not just as a malfunction to be fixed, but as a threshold — a crossing point between one version of yourself and another. The shamanic traditions speak of the “wounded healer.” The alchemical traditions speak of the nigredo — the blackening, […]

You Don’t Have a Relationship. You Relate.

We talk about relationships as if they are objects. Things we have. Things we build. Things we maintain. Things we lose. We say “my relationship” the way we say “my car” or “my house” — as if it is a possession that exists independently of the people in it. But this framing is not just […]

Why Abusers Use Guilt Instead of Force

When most people think about controlling dynamics, they think about force. They think about someone being physically prevented from leaving, being threatened with violence, being held against their will. And while these things do happen, they represent a small fraction of the controlling dynamics that actually exist. The far more common mechanism is far more […]

Why “Avoid All Western Medicine” Is Terrible Advice

There is a belief that circulates in consciousness and wellness communities with the confidence of received wisdom. It presents itself as enlightened, as evolved, as the natural consequence of waking up to the limitations of the mainstream. It sounds like this: “You don’t need doctors.” “Western medicine just treats symptoms.” “Everything can be healed naturally.” […]

Harm Is Defined by Repetition, Not Isolated Moments

There is a defense that is used in almost every conversation about toxic dynamics. It is used by the people inside the dynamic, by the people observing it from outside, and sometimes even by the people experiencing the harm. It sounds like this: “But they’re not like that all the time.” “Everyone has bad days.” […]